Monday, February 11, 2013 6:54 PM
I created this blog to vent and to bring up every possible memory I have of Us.
Because venting on Tumblr isn't really an option anymore since you are following me.
So, here goes nothing.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
(2)
Monday, February 11, 2013 7:18 PM
Let's start from the beginning, the very first moment I fell in love with you.
It was in 2011, it was one terrible morning. I t was normal, at first, then I realized that I have been putting on makeup for thirty minutes (I only wear mascara,) I was tired, grouchy. So when I finally finished the make-uping I looked at the clock and it was 7. I didn't eat breakfast, change, or anything! Just mascara. So I freaked.. naturally. I did not want Saturday School. So whilst the freaking out, I started tearing up and the mascara kept running.. ugh, it was terrible. So I threw on clothes, and just ran. So when my mom dropped me off, I was stomping to first period and trying to wipe off all of the mascara that ran. "Hello, Miranda." I turned around and there you were. I turned around and just sighed Why must this handsome boy see me like this Now?
"Hey, Austin.. you caught me on the wrong day."
You saw my eyes and knew something was wrong. "What's wrong, Miranda?"
"Just a bad morning, I was putting on makeup for thirty minutes and--"
"You are having.. makeup troubles?"
Then I realized that I was blabbering my mouth off and sounded ridiculous. "No, I was just.. never mind. I just don't want Saturday school because I'm late so many times."
"Oh."
So we walked. Moments passed and you looked down and smiled.
"I think you are beautiful."
Then I looked at you, and I swear my heart just soared and filled with happiness because it was just the sweetest thing. When I looked at you, my head was like oh man, she's gone.
I thanked you and we departed in opposite directions. You, off to a class like nothing ever happened. And there's me, a girl walking to Biology class with the biggest smile and heart that lasted all day.
Let's start from the beginning, the very first moment I fell in love with you.
It was in 2011, it was one terrible morning. I t was normal, at first, then I realized that I have been putting on makeup for thirty minutes (I only wear mascara,) I was tired, grouchy. So when I finally finished the make-uping I looked at the clock and it was 7. I didn't eat breakfast, change, or anything! Just mascara. So I freaked.. naturally. I did not want Saturday School. So whilst the freaking out, I started tearing up and the mascara kept running.. ugh, it was terrible. So I threw on clothes, and just ran. So when my mom dropped me off, I was stomping to first period and trying to wipe off all of the mascara that ran. "Hello, Miranda." I turned around and there you were. I turned around and just sighed Why must this handsome boy see me like this Now?
"Hey, Austin.. you caught me on the wrong day."
You saw my eyes and knew something was wrong. "What's wrong, Miranda?"
"Just a bad morning, I was putting on makeup for thirty minutes and--"
"You are having.. makeup troubles?"
Then I realized that I was blabbering my mouth off and sounded ridiculous. "No, I was just.. never mind. I just don't want Saturday school because I'm late so many times."
"Oh."
So we walked. Moments passed and you looked down and smiled.
"I think you are beautiful."
Then I looked at you, and I swear my heart just soared and filled with happiness because it was just the sweetest thing. When I looked at you, my head was like oh man, she's gone.
I thanked you and we departed in opposite directions. You, off to a class like nothing ever happened. And there's me, a girl walking to Biology class with the biggest smile and heart that lasted all day.
(3)
Monday, February 11, 2013 7:25 PM
Fast forward from the twitter-patter It's the end of Sophomore year and I spotted you outside the high school's gym. "Austin!"
"Miranda! How are you?"
"I'm great.. how is the year?"
"Very well, thanks."
"Neat!"
Then we periodically walked other people talk. Then I asked "Hey, do you have a girlfriend?"
Please keep in mind that I said that very casually and not some crazed person. Second: I wasn't asking that because of romantical purposes.. I was actually curious because I haven't seen you with anyone."
"Haha! No!"
"That's funny."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you are Austin Gilley!"
You laughed and I said a quick good-bye because my mother arrived.
Fast forward from the twitter-patter It's the end of Sophomore year and I spotted you outside the high school's gym. "Austin!"
"Miranda! How are you?"
"I'm great.. how is the year?"
"Very well, thanks."
"Neat!"
Then we periodically walked other people talk. Then I asked "Hey, do you have a girlfriend?"
Please keep in mind that I said that very casually and not some crazed person. Second: I wasn't asking that because of romantical purposes.. I was actually curious because I haven't seen you with anyone."
"Haha! No!"
"That's funny."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you are Austin Gilley!"
You laughed and I said a quick good-bye because my mother arrived.
(4)
Monday, February 11, 2013 9:30 PM
Rewind to Freshman Year I honestly do not remember how I started talking to you. But I know it was in the greatest class ever: Mr. Bui's earth science class. But somewhere in between the first day and second quarter something happened. If you remember, please let me know.. this elephant can't remember entirely everything.
But the farthest memory I can recieve from Tokay is just always coming in from Photo class and giving you my fresh prints. You were always the first person to see them! You were the first person to ever love my photography. You were basically the only reason I continued photography and pursued it! I remember you telling me that I am the reason you started photography and I inspired you. Now look at you, taking Introduction to Photography class.. the class I once loved so much.
I really do hope you enjoy it.
Rewind to Freshman Year I honestly do not remember how I started talking to you. But I know it was in the greatest class ever: Mr. Bui's earth science class. But somewhere in between the first day and second quarter something happened. If you remember, please let me know.. this elephant can't remember entirely everything.
But the farthest memory I can recieve from Tokay is just always coming in from Photo class and giving you my fresh prints. You were always the first person to see them! You were the first person to ever love my photography. You were basically the only reason I continued photography and pursued it! I remember you telling me that I am the reason you started photography and I inspired you. Now look at you, taking Introduction to Photography class.. the class I once loved so much.
I really do hope you enjoy it.
(5)
Monday, February 11, 2013 9:45 PM
Rewind to middle school The absolute farthest memory I have of you is from middle school.
We had Mr. Poggi, History.
I remember you and your brother were the cool kids.. just talking to you guys always made me flustered when I was little.
But anyways, there you were, all playing popular with your friends (oh how I know you dislike me calling you 'cool' or 'popular' but, this is my story to tell.) and you were copying off this "nerd" you called him. I already finished the papers far before the 'smart kid' did. So I blushed when I heard you remark "That's a nerd life!" Later in English, I asked you if you finished youtr papers and
you said "kind of.. you?"
I was confident. "Yes, I finished it all early."
You looked impressed, "wow! Nice!"
Then I said, "It's a nerd life!" I gave you the sweetest I-got-you-good smile and you blushed so hard.. you were so embarrassed, oh how I wish I could see it again! You started speaking gibberish and stutterly said "sorry." It was an amazing and hilarious moment for me.. I'm glad I wrote of this so I don't forget.
I don't think you'd remember this memory.. but I can't help it. I am going to remember every time I made you blush. This was the first.
Rewind to middle school The absolute farthest memory I have of you is from middle school.
We had Mr. Poggi, History.
I remember you and your brother were the cool kids.. just talking to you guys always made me flustered when I was little.
But anyways, there you were, all playing popular with your friends (oh how I know you dislike me calling you 'cool' or 'popular' but, this is my story to tell.) and you were copying off this "nerd" you called him. I already finished the papers far before the 'smart kid' did. So I blushed when I heard you remark "That's a nerd life!" Later in English, I asked you if you finished youtr papers and
you said "kind of.. you?"
I was confident. "Yes, I finished it all early."
You looked impressed, "wow! Nice!"
Then I said, "It's a nerd life!" I gave you the sweetest I-got-you-good smile and you blushed so hard.. you were so embarrassed, oh how I wish I could see it again! You started speaking gibberish and stutterly said "sorry." It was an amazing and hilarious moment for me.. I'm glad I wrote of this so I don't forget.
I don't think you'd remember this memory.. but I can't help it. I am going to remember every time I made you blush. This was the first.
(6)
Monday, February 11, 2013 10:47 PM
I would post what I put on there, but when I changed the theme of my tumblr, it messed up my page and deleted them.
I wrote three letters on there.
The first being the summary of our story, saying that it would be preposterous for him to ever like me because he is so amazing and I'm so.. plain. And 'Oh, I wish I could tell him.. but I'm so scared.'
The second just me saying that I was walking through a neighbrhood's christmas lights and just thinking of him, how I longed for him to be on my side with me when I walked the streets.
The third being a long direct letter to him. "Dear You." just basically saying that I really (really) like him a lot and I wished that there was a possibility of us. "If you have read this before I have told you anything, I am so sorry. I am just so scared of what might of happened if I crossed that invisible line. If you have read this, please let me know. This curiousity isn't very fun to have."
(7)
Monday, February 11, 2013 11:11 PM
December 27-28, 2012 It was a normal night, we were just texting as normally. (all night.. until 3am)
Then all of the sudden:
" Hey Mir, I've read it. You wanted to know so I'm telling you. 1,2,3. I read it all."
When I first read that, I didn't understand.. three what? Read.. oh my gosh. I started to freak out so bad. When I finally realized that, I IMMEDIATELY regretting typing one letter on to my tumblr. My eyes started to water.. I started shaking. Basically the term to this is "hyperventilating." I was so so scared.. my nightmare came true. Of course I wanted him to know but.. you know? It wasn't entirely wished for. I just completely believed that it was over. Over. Him and I. I and him. Gone. I wanted to go back in time and just erase my feelings and not ever type a word. I just fell so hard, I didn't want to lose him. I didn't care if we weren't going to date or not.. I still didn't want to lose him as a friend! So there I was, looking at that text through blurred eyes, It was one in the morning and my sister and mother were sound asleep (thank goodness.) I was just, so terrified.
So I finally texted back.
"I am so sorry. I was going to delete it all tonight.. I should've. Oh.. I really messed things up, didn't I?"
Then he said:
"You did delete it. I went on your page and it was not there anymore. I did not think you would do that! I went to my history and found it. Recited everything haha. What you typed, shared, it was incredibly adorable and sweet. Nobody has expressed themselves in that manner, that fashion. You did not ruin anything you and I have or will have! Not at all. Remember when I told you, you have earned my trust? Of course. I was making known that I will be open with you from here on out. In return, you said something similar. Except by this, you did not tell me directly. I found this in secret, which you intended I am sure, and I thank you for that."
I stared at the phone and just, didn't know what to think.
Then he told me he was going to send another message via tumblr because his phone can't send large messages and said "There was so much more to say, but that cleared my mind a little."I really admire the unique individual you are. I respect you and your feelings in the highest manner I can. I want you to know this one thing, I do not plan to date soon. This is not because of you nor is this direct to you personally, absolutely not! I am not mature enough for a girlfriend, yet. I need to undertake true responsibility and discipline and much more. I think of you as such a lovely person Miranda. I would hate to have lead you on, that is not and never was my intention.. you do not deserve that treatment, nobody does.
My reply: Honestly, I don't think I am really ready for dating , either. It's just been so long since I have been in to that stuff whenever I think about it, it is kind of awkward. I don't know, I guess I confused the idea of us being friends and being together mixed up in the whole "dating" category. I understand what you were telling me. - I don't know whether I regret not deleting that letter sooner or not, but it is a huge weight off the shoulders. Thank you for being honest.
His reply: Do not regret deleting it. I read it the very day I asked for your URL. I thought the way you portrayed everything was marvelous, I wanted to keep going Haha! Don’t be afraid to share your feelings or concerns with me Miranda. I will never reject you because of them, any of them.
Me: So what do we do now? Act as if this never happened? I honestly don't know what to do now.
Him: We act as if it did happen because it DID happen. Let us not live a lie! What good will that do? We are growing in our friendship, that is inevitable.
It hurt, the whole rejection thing, but I was just SO relieved I didn't lose him. I wouldn't know what to do if I did.
But anyways, We went back to texting.
Then we acted like nothing happened. At least I tried to. The following day, I still honestly cried because I knew the possibility of being with him was ruined. Whenever I thought of him that day and some days afterwards, my heart grew so heavy.. it was the most depressing feeling I have ever went through.
December 27-28, 2012 It was a normal night, we were just texting as normally. (all night.. until 3am)
Then all of the sudden:
" Hey Mir, I've read it. You wanted to know so I'm telling you. 1,2,3. I read it all."
When I first read that, I didn't understand.. three what? Read.. oh my gosh. I started to freak out so bad. When I finally realized that, I IMMEDIATELY regretting typing one letter on to my tumblr. My eyes started to water.. I started shaking. Basically the term to this is "hyperventilating." I was so so scared.. my nightmare came true. Of course I wanted him to know but.. you know? It wasn't entirely wished for. I just completely believed that it was over. Over. Him and I. I and him. Gone. I wanted to go back in time and just erase my feelings and not ever type a word. I just fell so hard, I didn't want to lose him. I didn't care if we weren't going to date or not.. I still didn't want to lose him as a friend! So there I was, looking at that text through blurred eyes, It was one in the morning and my sister and mother were sound asleep (thank goodness.) I was just, so terrified.
So I finally texted back.
"I am so sorry. I was going to delete it all tonight.. I should've. Oh.. I really messed things up, didn't I?"
Then he said:
"You did delete it. I went on your page and it was not there anymore. I did not think you would do that! I went to my history and found it. Recited everything haha. What you typed, shared, it was incredibly adorable and sweet. Nobody has expressed themselves in that manner, that fashion. You did not ruin anything you and I have or will have! Not at all. Remember when I told you, you have earned my trust? Of course. I was making known that I will be open with you from here on out. In return, you said something similar. Except by this, you did not tell me directly. I found this in secret, which you intended I am sure, and I thank you for that."
I stared at the phone and just, didn't know what to think.
Me: "I don't know what to think"
Him: "What do you mean?"
Me: "I don't know, I'm still in shock, but relieved."
Then he told me he was going to send another message via tumblr because his phone can't send large messages and said "There was so much more to say, but that cleared my mind a little."I really admire the unique individual you are. I respect you and your feelings in the highest manner I can. I want you to know this one thing, I do not plan to date soon. This is not because of you nor is this direct to you personally, absolutely not! I am not mature enough for a girlfriend, yet. I need to undertake true responsibility and discipline and much more. I think of you as such a lovely person Miranda. I would hate to have lead you on, that is not and never was my intention.. you do not deserve that treatment, nobody does.
My reply: Honestly, I don't think I am really ready for dating , either. It's just been so long since I have been in to that stuff whenever I think about it, it is kind of awkward. I don't know, I guess I confused the idea of us being friends and being together mixed up in the whole "dating" category. I understand what you were telling me. - I don't know whether I regret not deleting that letter sooner or not, but it is a huge weight off the shoulders. Thank you for being honest.
His reply: Do not regret deleting it. I read it the very day I asked for your URL. I thought the way you portrayed everything was marvelous, I wanted to keep going Haha! Don’t be afraid to share your feelings or concerns with me Miranda. I will never reject you because of them, any of them.
Me: So what do we do now? Act as if this never happened? I honestly don't know what to do now.
Him: We act as if it did happen because it DID happen. Let us not live a lie! What good will that do? We are growing in our friendship, that is inevitable.
It hurt, the whole rejection thing, but I was just SO relieved I didn't lose him. I wouldn't know what to do if I did.
But anyways, We went back to texting.
M: did you really see it the very day you asked for my url? Why didn't you say anything then?
A: I was waiting. I knew that could not be all. I also did not think you would delete it, why?
M: I didn't delete it, just the link.
A: But why?
M : I didn't know you had already seen it, but then, I just went through a stage where I didn't want you to know anymore. I thought it would change things..
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