Monday, February 11, 2013 6:54 PM
I created this blog to vent and to bring up every possible memory I have of Us.
Because venting on Tumblr isn't really an option anymore since you are following me.
So, here goes nothing.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
(2)
Monday, February 11, 2013 7:18 PM
Let's start from the beginning, the very first moment I fell in love with you.
It was in 2011, it was one terrible morning. I t was normal, at first, then I realized that I have been putting on makeup for thirty minutes (I only wear mascara,) I was tired, grouchy. So when I finally finished the make-uping I looked at the clock and it was 7. I didn't eat breakfast, change, or anything! Just mascara. So I freaked.. naturally. I did not want Saturday School. So whilst the freaking out, I started tearing up and the mascara kept running.. ugh, it was terrible. So I threw on clothes, and just ran. So when my mom dropped me off, I was stomping to first period and trying to wipe off all of the mascara that ran. "Hello, Miranda." I turned around and there you were. I turned around and just sighed Why must this handsome boy see me like this Now?
"Hey, Austin.. you caught me on the wrong day."
You saw my eyes and knew something was wrong. "What's wrong, Miranda?"
"Just a bad morning, I was putting on makeup for thirty minutes and--"
"You are having.. makeup troubles?"
Then I realized that I was blabbering my mouth off and sounded ridiculous. "No, I was just.. never mind. I just don't want Saturday school because I'm late so many times."
"Oh."
So we walked. Moments passed and you looked down and smiled.
"I think you are beautiful."
Then I looked at you, and I swear my heart just soared and filled with happiness because it was just the sweetest thing. When I looked at you, my head was like oh man, she's gone.
I thanked you and we departed in opposite directions. You, off to a class like nothing ever happened. And there's me, a girl walking to Biology class with the biggest smile and heart that lasted all day.
Let's start from the beginning, the very first moment I fell in love with you.
It was in 2011, it was one terrible morning. I t was normal, at first, then I realized that I have been putting on makeup for thirty minutes (I only wear mascara,) I was tired, grouchy. So when I finally finished the make-uping I looked at the clock and it was 7. I didn't eat breakfast, change, or anything! Just mascara. So I freaked.. naturally. I did not want Saturday School. So whilst the freaking out, I started tearing up and the mascara kept running.. ugh, it was terrible. So I threw on clothes, and just ran. So when my mom dropped me off, I was stomping to first period and trying to wipe off all of the mascara that ran. "Hello, Miranda." I turned around and there you were. I turned around and just sighed Why must this handsome boy see me like this Now?
"Hey, Austin.. you caught me on the wrong day."
You saw my eyes and knew something was wrong. "What's wrong, Miranda?"
"Just a bad morning, I was putting on makeup for thirty minutes and--"
"You are having.. makeup troubles?"
Then I realized that I was blabbering my mouth off and sounded ridiculous. "No, I was just.. never mind. I just don't want Saturday school because I'm late so many times."
"Oh."
So we walked. Moments passed and you looked down and smiled.
"I think you are beautiful."
Then I looked at you, and I swear my heart just soared and filled with happiness because it was just the sweetest thing. When I looked at you, my head was like oh man, she's gone.
I thanked you and we departed in opposite directions. You, off to a class like nothing ever happened. And there's me, a girl walking to Biology class with the biggest smile and heart that lasted all day.
(3)
Monday, February 11, 2013 7:25 PM
Fast forward from the twitter-patter It's the end of Sophomore year and I spotted you outside the high school's gym. "Austin!"
"Miranda! How are you?"
"I'm great.. how is the year?"
"Very well, thanks."
"Neat!"
Then we periodically walked other people talk. Then I asked "Hey, do you have a girlfriend?"
Please keep in mind that I said that very casually and not some crazed person. Second: I wasn't asking that because of romantical purposes.. I was actually curious because I haven't seen you with anyone."
"Haha! No!"
"That's funny."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you are Austin Gilley!"
You laughed and I said a quick good-bye because my mother arrived.
Fast forward from the twitter-patter It's the end of Sophomore year and I spotted you outside the high school's gym. "Austin!"
"Miranda! How are you?"
"I'm great.. how is the year?"
"Very well, thanks."
"Neat!"
Then we periodically walked other people talk. Then I asked "Hey, do you have a girlfriend?"
Please keep in mind that I said that very casually and not some crazed person. Second: I wasn't asking that because of romantical purposes.. I was actually curious because I haven't seen you with anyone."
"Haha! No!"
"That's funny."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you are Austin Gilley!"
You laughed and I said a quick good-bye because my mother arrived.
(4)
Monday, February 11, 2013 9:30 PM
Rewind to Freshman Year I honestly do not remember how I started talking to you. But I know it was in the greatest class ever: Mr. Bui's earth science class. But somewhere in between the first day and second quarter something happened. If you remember, please let me know.. this elephant can't remember entirely everything.
But the farthest memory I can recieve from Tokay is just always coming in from Photo class and giving you my fresh prints. You were always the first person to see them! You were the first person to ever love my photography. You were basically the only reason I continued photography and pursued it! I remember you telling me that I am the reason you started photography and I inspired you. Now look at you, taking Introduction to Photography class.. the class I once loved so much.
I really do hope you enjoy it.
Rewind to Freshman Year I honestly do not remember how I started talking to you. But I know it was in the greatest class ever: Mr. Bui's earth science class. But somewhere in between the first day and second quarter something happened. If you remember, please let me know.. this elephant can't remember entirely everything.
But the farthest memory I can recieve from Tokay is just always coming in from Photo class and giving you my fresh prints. You were always the first person to see them! You were the first person to ever love my photography. You were basically the only reason I continued photography and pursued it! I remember you telling me that I am the reason you started photography and I inspired you. Now look at you, taking Introduction to Photography class.. the class I once loved so much.
I really do hope you enjoy it.
(5)
Monday, February 11, 2013 9:45 PM
Rewind to middle school The absolute farthest memory I have of you is from middle school.
We had Mr. Poggi, History.
I remember you and your brother were the cool kids.. just talking to you guys always made me flustered when I was little.
But anyways, there you were, all playing popular with your friends (oh how I know you dislike me calling you 'cool' or 'popular' but, this is my story to tell.) and you were copying off this "nerd" you called him. I already finished the papers far before the 'smart kid' did. So I blushed when I heard you remark "That's a nerd life!" Later in English, I asked you if you finished youtr papers and
you said "kind of.. you?"
I was confident. "Yes, I finished it all early."
You looked impressed, "wow! Nice!"
Then I said, "It's a nerd life!" I gave you the sweetest I-got-you-good smile and you blushed so hard.. you were so embarrassed, oh how I wish I could see it again! You started speaking gibberish and stutterly said "sorry." It was an amazing and hilarious moment for me.. I'm glad I wrote of this so I don't forget.
I don't think you'd remember this memory.. but I can't help it. I am going to remember every time I made you blush. This was the first.
Rewind to middle school The absolute farthest memory I have of you is from middle school.
We had Mr. Poggi, History.
I remember you and your brother were the cool kids.. just talking to you guys always made me flustered when I was little.
But anyways, there you were, all playing popular with your friends (oh how I know you dislike me calling you 'cool' or 'popular' but, this is my story to tell.) and you were copying off this "nerd" you called him. I already finished the papers far before the 'smart kid' did. So I blushed when I heard you remark "That's a nerd life!" Later in English, I asked you if you finished youtr papers and
you said "kind of.. you?"
I was confident. "Yes, I finished it all early."
You looked impressed, "wow! Nice!"
Then I said, "It's a nerd life!" I gave you the sweetest I-got-you-good smile and you blushed so hard.. you were so embarrassed, oh how I wish I could see it again! You started speaking gibberish and stutterly said "sorry." It was an amazing and hilarious moment for me.. I'm glad I wrote of this so I don't forget.
I don't think you'd remember this memory.. but I can't help it. I am going to remember every time I made you blush. This was the first.
(6)
Monday, February 11, 2013 10:47 PM
I would post what I put on there, but when I changed the theme of my tumblr, it messed up my page and deleted them.
I wrote three letters on there.
The first being the summary of our story, saying that it would be preposterous for him to ever like me because he is so amazing and I'm so.. plain. And 'Oh, I wish I could tell him.. but I'm so scared.'
The second just me saying that I was walking through a neighbrhood's christmas lights and just thinking of him, how I longed for him to be on my side with me when I walked the streets.
The third being a long direct letter to him. "Dear You." just basically saying that I really (really) like him a lot and I wished that there was a possibility of us. "If you have read this before I have told you anything, I am so sorry. I am just so scared of what might of happened if I crossed that invisible line. If you have read this, please let me know. This curiousity isn't very fun to have."
(7)
Monday, February 11, 2013 11:11 PM
December 27-28, 2012 It was a normal night, we were just texting as normally. (all night.. until 3am)
Then all of the sudden:
" Hey Mir, I've read it. You wanted to know so I'm telling you. 1,2,3. I read it all."
When I first read that, I didn't understand.. three what? Read.. oh my gosh. I started to freak out so bad. When I finally realized that, I IMMEDIATELY regretting typing one letter on to my tumblr. My eyes started to water.. I started shaking. Basically the term to this is "hyperventilating." I was so so scared.. my nightmare came true. Of course I wanted him to know but.. you know? It wasn't entirely wished for. I just completely believed that it was over. Over. Him and I. I and him. Gone. I wanted to go back in time and just erase my feelings and not ever type a word. I just fell so hard, I didn't want to lose him. I didn't care if we weren't going to date or not.. I still didn't want to lose him as a friend! So there I was, looking at that text through blurred eyes, It was one in the morning and my sister and mother were sound asleep (thank goodness.) I was just, so terrified.
So I finally texted back.
"I am so sorry. I was going to delete it all tonight.. I should've. Oh.. I really messed things up, didn't I?"
Then he said:
"You did delete it. I went on your page and it was not there anymore. I did not think you would do that! I went to my history and found it. Recited everything haha. What you typed, shared, it was incredibly adorable and sweet. Nobody has expressed themselves in that manner, that fashion. You did not ruin anything you and I have or will have! Not at all. Remember when I told you, you have earned my trust? Of course. I was making known that I will be open with you from here on out. In return, you said something similar. Except by this, you did not tell me directly. I found this in secret, which you intended I am sure, and I thank you for that."
I stared at the phone and just, didn't know what to think.
Then he told me he was going to send another message via tumblr because his phone can't send large messages and said "There was so much more to say, but that cleared my mind a little."I really admire the unique individual you are. I respect you and your feelings in the highest manner I can. I want you to know this one thing, I do not plan to date soon. This is not because of you nor is this direct to you personally, absolutely not! I am not mature enough for a girlfriend, yet. I need to undertake true responsibility and discipline and much more. I think of you as such a lovely person Miranda. I would hate to have lead you on, that is not and never was my intention.. you do not deserve that treatment, nobody does.
My reply: Honestly, I don't think I am really ready for dating , either. It's just been so long since I have been in to that stuff whenever I think about it, it is kind of awkward. I don't know, I guess I confused the idea of us being friends and being together mixed up in the whole "dating" category. I understand what you were telling me. - I don't know whether I regret not deleting that letter sooner or not, but it is a huge weight off the shoulders. Thank you for being honest.
His reply: Do not regret deleting it. I read it the very day I asked for your URL. I thought the way you portrayed everything was marvelous, I wanted to keep going Haha! Don’t be afraid to share your feelings or concerns with me Miranda. I will never reject you because of them, any of them.
Me: So what do we do now? Act as if this never happened? I honestly don't know what to do now.
Him: We act as if it did happen because it DID happen. Let us not live a lie! What good will that do? We are growing in our friendship, that is inevitable.
It hurt, the whole rejection thing, but I was just SO relieved I didn't lose him. I wouldn't know what to do if I did.
But anyways, We went back to texting.
Then we acted like nothing happened. At least I tried to. The following day, I still honestly cried because I knew the possibility of being with him was ruined. Whenever I thought of him that day and some days afterwards, my heart grew so heavy.. it was the most depressing feeling I have ever went through.
December 27-28, 2012 It was a normal night, we were just texting as normally. (all night.. until 3am)
Then all of the sudden:
" Hey Mir, I've read it. You wanted to know so I'm telling you. 1,2,3. I read it all."
When I first read that, I didn't understand.. three what? Read.. oh my gosh. I started to freak out so bad. When I finally realized that, I IMMEDIATELY regretting typing one letter on to my tumblr. My eyes started to water.. I started shaking. Basically the term to this is "hyperventilating." I was so so scared.. my nightmare came true. Of course I wanted him to know but.. you know? It wasn't entirely wished for. I just completely believed that it was over. Over. Him and I. I and him. Gone. I wanted to go back in time and just erase my feelings and not ever type a word. I just fell so hard, I didn't want to lose him. I didn't care if we weren't going to date or not.. I still didn't want to lose him as a friend! So there I was, looking at that text through blurred eyes, It was one in the morning and my sister and mother were sound asleep (thank goodness.) I was just, so terrified.
So I finally texted back.
"I am so sorry. I was going to delete it all tonight.. I should've. Oh.. I really messed things up, didn't I?"
Then he said:
"You did delete it. I went on your page and it was not there anymore. I did not think you would do that! I went to my history and found it. Recited everything haha. What you typed, shared, it was incredibly adorable and sweet. Nobody has expressed themselves in that manner, that fashion. You did not ruin anything you and I have or will have! Not at all. Remember when I told you, you have earned my trust? Of course. I was making known that I will be open with you from here on out. In return, you said something similar. Except by this, you did not tell me directly. I found this in secret, which you intended I am sure, and I thank you for that."
I stared at the phone and just, didn't know what to think.
Me: "I don't know what to think"
Him: "What do you mean?"
Me: "I don't know, I'm still in shock, but relieved."
Then he told me he was going to send another message via tumblr because his phone can't send large messages and said "There was so much more to say, but that cleared my mind a little."I really admire the unique individual you are. I respect you and your feelings in the highest manner I can. I want you to know this one thing, I do not plan to date soon. This is not because of you nor is this direct to you personally, absolutely not! I am not mature enough for a girlfriend, yet. I need to undertake true responsibility and discipline and much more. I think of you as such a lovely person Miranda. I would hate to have lead you on, that is not and never was my intention.. you do not deserve that treatment, nobody does.
My reply: Honestly, I don't think I am really ready for dating , either. It's just been so long since I have been in to that stuff whenever I think about it, it is kind of awkward. I don't know, I guess I confused the idea of us being friends and being together mixed up in the whole "dating" category. I understand what you were telling me. - I don't know whether I regret not deleting that letter sooner or not, but it is a huge weight off the shoulders. Thank you for being honest.
His reply: Do not regret deleting it. I read it the very day I asked for your URL. I thought the way you portrayed everything was marvelous, I wanted to keep going Haha! Don’t be afraid to share your feelings or concerns with me Miranda. I will never reject you because of them, any of them.
Me: So what do we do now? Act as if this never happened? I honestly don't know what to do now.
Him: We act as if it did happen because it DID happen. Let us not live a lie! What good will that do? We are growing in our friendship, that is inevitable.
It hurt, the whole rejection thing, but I was just SO relieved I didn't lose him. I wouldn't know what to do if I did.
But anyways, We went back to texting.
M: did you really see it the very day you asked for my url? Why didn't you say anything then?
A: I was waiting. I knew that could not be all. I also did not think you would delete it, why?
M: I didn't delete it, just the link.
A: But why?
M : I didn't know you had already seen it, but then, I just went through a stage where I didn't want you to know anymore. I thought it would change things..
(8)
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 7:06 PM
Rewind to the Day Of (the read confession letters)
It was the last day of 2nd quarter, and the beginning of our two week Winter Break. I invited him the night before if he would like to come with me and my friends to Velvet Grill after school.
- It was a total, last minute thing, (I texted him at ten or midnight.. I don't remember, hopefully it was ten!)
"Hey, I know this is last minute, but me and a bunch of friends are going to Velvet Grill, I thought of inviting you!"
"Hey, I would love to, but I don't think I am allowed to go out at this time." (11pm)
"I meant tomorrow after school, haha!"
"Oh! Then of course!"
--
After school on The Day Of, the weather decided to be funny and rained. I believed he wasn't even going to come, because who would enjoy walking in the rain for five-ten minutes? So I was there with my friends at the tennis court then they all looked behind me and I turned around and there he was. He was looking so handsome in his black coat. My breathing caught for a moment. (Again, ultra-cheesy.. but so true.) We hugged and then started walking. It was bliss.. not one moment was awkward! Even today, if there's any silence between us, it's peaceful silence. We went to Velvet Grill and there was Amanda, Andrea, Deyra, Patricia, Izzy and Sofia. Alani came as well! It was pretty, well, fun, and embarrassing. Just picture this: Izzy putting all of our forks and spoons into an apple. Totally normal if you are friends with Izzy, but well, I was slightly embarrassed of how strange my friends are. But, hey! No awkward moments! We were waiting for our food and I was looking through Sofia's iPhone and we brought up the topic of Tumblr and I just opened up my blog and showed it to him! Then Sofia nudged me. "Miranda. your posts. ...Posts. Letters!!" Then I finally understood and turned a violent shade of red and silently freaked out. Sofia pretended that she had a text so they handed it back to her three minutes later. Nothing showed on his face if he ever saw it, but I was still freaking out. But anyways.. it was all fun, then everyone left until it was just Sofia, Alani, Austin & I. Then Aus said he needed to go, he was going to see a movie with his friends. He left so quickly and without a hug, as normally. I was so sad, I seriously believed he saw my post and ran off.
The Night Of
"Hey Mir, what's your URL?"
I panicked. I was out on the road, with no computer around, hours away from home.
Then I texted Sofia in a panic: "He asked for my URL! What do I do?"
Then she told me to just delete the posts.. and I gave myself a slap in the face duh, why didn't I think of that? So then I grabbed my mother's iPhone and deleted all of the posts, not the tab on the top. Meaning, I had individual text posts for each letter, but later put them all on one page. I deleted the individual posts, then. Then I gave him the address, hoping he won't see my page.
-
"I read them all. 1,2,3.. all of them."
"..I read them the very day I asked for your URL."
This made me a little upset. The very day he read them. He never told me that he read them for a whole week and a half. So all of those "what if he read it" paranormal thoughts of mine were true. I thought of it as him using that as an advantage. (Which he totally did. He admitted that to me.) It was unfair, but I somewhat got over it.
Rewind to the Day Of (the read confession letters)
It was the last day of 2nd quarter, and the beginning of our two week Winter Break. I invited him the night before if he would like to come with me and my friends to Velvet Grill after school.
- It was a total, last minute thing, (I texted him at ten or midnight.. I don't remember, hopefully it was ten!)
"Hey, I know this is last minute, but me and a bunch of friends are going to Velvet Grill, I thought of inviting you!"
"Hey, I would love to, but I don't think I am allowed to go out at this time." (11pm)
"I meant tomorrow after school, haha!"
"Oh! Then of course!"
--
After school on The Day Of, the weather decided to be funny and rained. I believed he wasn't even going to come, because who would enjoy walking in the rain for five-ten minutes? So I was there with my friends at the tennis court then they all looked behind me and I turned around and there he was. He was looking so handsome in his black coat. My breathing caught for a moment. (Again, ultra-cheesy.. but so true.) We hugged and then started walking. It was bliss.. not one moment was awkward! Even today, if there's any silence between us, it's peaceful silence. We went to Velvet Grill and there was Amanda, Andrea, Deyra, Patricia, Izzy and Sofia. Alani came as well! It was pretty, well, fun, and embarrassing. Just picture this: Izzy putting all of our forks and spoons into an apple. Totally normal if you are friends with Izzy, but well, I was slightly embarrassed of how strange my friends are. But, hey! No awkward moments! We were waiting for our food and I was looking through Sofia's iPhone and we brought up the topic of Tumblr and I just opened up my blog and showed it to him! Then Sofia nudged me. "Miranda. your posts. ...Posts. Letters!!" Then I finally understood and turned a violent shade of red and silently freaked out. Sofia pretended that she had a text so they handed it back to her three minutes later. Nothing showed on his face if he ever saw it, but I was still freaking out. But anyways.. it was all fun, then everyone left until it was just Sofia, Alani, Austin & I. Then Aus said he needed to go, he was going to see a movie with his friends. He left so quickly and without a hug, as normally. I was so sad, I seriously believed he saw my post and ran off.
The Night Of
"Hey Mir, what's your URL?"
I panicked. I was out on the road, with no computer around, hours away from home.
Then I texted Sofia in a panic: "He asked for my URL! What do I do?"
Then she told me to just delete the posts.. and I gave myself a slap in the face duh, why didn't I think of that? So then I grabbed my mother's iPhone and deleted all of the posts, not the tab on the top. Meaning, I had individual text posts for each letter, but later put them all on one page. I deleted the individual posts, then. Then I gave him the address, hoping he won't see my page.
-
"I read them all. 1,2,3.. all of them."
"..I read them the very day I asked for your URL."
This made me a little upset. The very day he read them. He never told me that he read them for a whole week and a half. So all of those "what if he read it" paranormal thoughts of mine were true. I thought of it as him using that as an advantage. (Which he totally did. He admitted that to me.) It was unfair, but I somewhat got over it.
(9)
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 7:52 PM
January 11, 2012 This was the Third time we hung out outside of school.
I was trying to move on with the fact that the idea of handsome guy and I being together-together so I just played it cool and accepted the side role of the friend in this play of Us.
Sofia wanted to hang out and go to ComedySportz that Friday and said, "Hey you should invite Austin!" I thought she was being ridiculous. Then I remembered I am completely friendzoned and nothing can happen so I was like okaywhattheheck..why not? So then I took a deep breath and invited you. You accepted! So then you met us at the Comedy Sportz and it was so funny! I'm glad you enjoyed it also. After that, I just realized that we could just be friends.
my quote was "If I can't be Her, I want be the greatest friend you ever had."
January 11, 2012 This was the Third time we hung out outside of school.
I was trying to move on with the fact that the idea of handsome guy and I being together-together so I just played it cool and accepted the side role of the friend in this play of Us.
Sofia wanted to hang out and go to ComedySportz that Friday and said, "Hey you should invite Austin!" I thought she was being ridiculous. Then I remembered I am completely friendzoned and nothing can happen so I was like okaywhattheheck..why not? So then I took a deep breath and invited you. You accepted! So then you met us at the Comedy Sportz and it was so funny! I'm glad you enjoyed it also. After that, I just realized that we could just be friends.
my quote was "If I can't be Her, I want be the greatest friend you ever had."
(10)
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 9:48 PM
January 8 2013 This was the second time we hung out afterschool.
I watched Les Misérables with Sofia and everyone the previous week and loved it so much, I had to see it again! So my mom planned for us to watch it and she said, "Hey, you should invite your boyfriend, Austin!"
And the everyday assumption got my everyday reply, "He's not my boyfriend."
But I thought, hey, he might like it! I should invite him!
So I did, but there was a problem: The movie starts at 2:30.
Two problems:
1)
We get out at 2:10 & don't actually end up at the tennis court until 2:15-20.
2)
My mom is late for everything.. so we would be late no matter what.
So we take off and my mother has a huge bag full of snacks.. including a chicken bake. "I know my babygirl gets hungry after school!" I was so embarrased.. my mother would be this way of course.
We arrived ten minutes late, I rushed so I accidently bought one more ticket than needed.
We arrived three songs into the movie.
The whole time I was half paying attention to the movie, and half freaking out that we were touching elbows.
When the movie ended, you watched my happy face watching the credits and I looked back at you and asked if you liked it and you said it was good!
So my mom drops you off and gave you a tour of Lodi.
Later on, we agreed that we need a Movie Day.
That movie day became Movie Days.
I watched Les Misérables with Sofia and everyone the previous week and loved it so much, I had to see it again! So my mom planned for us to watch it and she said, "Hey, you should invite your boyfriend, Austin!"
And the everyday assumption got my everyday reply, "He's not my boyfriend."
But I thought, hey, he might like it! I should invite him!
So I did, but there was a problem: The movie starts at 2:30.
Two problems:
1)
We get out at 2:10 & don't actually end up at the tennis court until 2:15-20.
2)
My mom is late for everything.. so we would be late no matter what.
So we take off and my mother has a huge bag full of snacks.. including a chicken bake. "I know my babygirl gets hungry after school!" I was so embarrased.. my mother would be this way of course.
We arrived ten minutes late, I rushed so I accidently bought one more ticket than needed.
We arrived three songs into the movie.
The whole time I was half paying attention to the movie, and half freaking out that we were touching elbows.
When the movie ended, you watched my happy face watching the credits and I looked back at you and asked if you liked it and you said it was good!
So my mom drops you off and gave you a tour of Lodi.
Later on, we agreed that we need a Movie Day.
That movie day became Movie Days.
(11)
Wednesday, February 13, 2013 5:46 PM
To answer your questions today
"why don't you like to talk about us?"
"do you still feel this way?"
After you told me that you didn't want a girlfriend, and you said that clearly, I just knew that that possibility is just done.
I don't like being reminded of that.
I'm not allowed to think of you like I did before.
&
I always felt that way. I still do when I'm typing this and hours after I close this laptop.
But I can't anymore.
Because why should I dream everyday for something that isn't going to happen
Getting so close to you was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, you were the first guy I have ever brought home and hung out with numberous times.
You were are the first guy I have ever worked so hard for.
The First that I have ever opened up to.
The First that
I ever truly fell in love with.
There.
I said it. The whole L word.
I honestly wished all of this didn't happen the day before Valentine's Day.
Tomorrow will be fun.
I'm sorry for just always unloading all of my feelings on you.
I wished I would've never showed you this site.. then we would've ended on a good note.
I regret showing you my first letters. I do. Sure, it brought us close, but that only lead for me to fall harder.
But then you would've never told me Reality. Without that, I would've kept dreaming and got more hurt later on.. If the hurt now didn't match up to that.
I should've known this was going to happen... because you told me up front you weren't ready for dating yet.
I respected that, but I was hanging on to the word yet.
I was hoping I would be the one to convince you to change your mind.
To be an exception.
So that's why I was so disappointed today.
I should just be extremely thankful you are still just my friend and nothing more,
but it's just so hard to hold back the longings. It hurts to do that, you know.
This is one of the things Sofia told me:
"...with Austin... it really seemed like he was, Almost, there. but he's just too scared. and a little bit too occupied with what he thinks he needs rather than what you need. and i dont know if its true, but Love should be caring about someone so much you just want them to be completely happy."
I am not going to continue this blog.
To answer your questions today
"why don't you like to talk about us?"
"do you still feel this way?"
After you told me that you didn't want a girlfriend, and you said that clearly, I just knew that that possibility is just done.
I don't like being reminded of that.
I'm not allowed to think of you like I did before.
&
I always felt that way. I still do when I'm typing this and hours after I close this laptop.
But I can't anymore.
Because why should I dream everyday for something that isn't going to happen
Getting so close to you was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, you were the first guy I have ever brought home and hung out with numberous times.
You
The First that I have ever opened up to.
The First that
I ever truly fell in love with.
There.
I said it. The whole L word.
I honestly wished all of this didn't happen the day before Valentine's Day.
Tomorrow will be fun.
I'm sorry for just always unloading all of my feelings on you.
I wished I would've never showed you this site.. then we would've ended on a good note.
I regret showing you my first letters. I do. Sure, it brought us close, but that only lead for me to fall harder.
But then you would've never told me Reality. Without that, I would've kept dreaming and got more hurt later on.. If the hurt now didn't match up to that.
I should've known this was going to happen... because you told me up front you weren't ready for dating yet.
I respected that, but I was hanging on to the word yet.
I was hoping I would be the one to convince you to change your mind.
To be an exception.
So that's why I was so disappointed today.
I should just be extremely thankful you are still just my friend and nothing more,
but it's just so hard to hold back the longings. It hurts to do that, you know.
This is one of the things Sofia told me:
"...with Austin... it really seemed like he was, Almost, there. but he's just too scared. and a little bit too occupied with what he thinks he needs rather than what you need. and i dont know if its true, but Love should be caring about someone so much you just want them to be completely happy."
I am not going to continue this blog.
(12)
Friday, September 13, 2013 8:46 PM
"Just yesterday I got the reality slap that this thing is such a waste of time.. God, I would wait years for him and get nothing in return. I just give up so hard. I don't know.. Must be the books and movies I have been surrounding myself with. They just made me realize how pathetic I must be, to wish for something with him."
"It may seem that way for you, but I don't think you're choosing to wait for him. You just do, regardless of if you want to or not. Think about it. You've 'decided' to move on tons of times, with varying levels of commitment. You always come back."
"I just want it to stop."
"Just yesterday I got the reality slap that this thing is such a waste of time.. God, I would wait years for him and get nothing in return. I just give up so hard. I don't know.. Must be the books and movies I have been surrounding myself with. They just made me realize how pathetic I must be, to wish for something with him."
"It may seem that way for you, but I don't think you're choosing to wait for him. You just do, regardless of if you want to or not. Think about it. You've 'decided' to move on tons of times, with varying levels of commitment. You always come back."
"I just want it to stop."
(13)
Friday, September 13, 2013 9:06 PM
I go through these phases with you.. I always have.
But recently, this phase has been permanent.
I used to wait for you after class ends. I would wait thirty minutes if you needed. I missed two buses for you.
& I didn't mind one bit.
But ever since this fog of depression and rejection hovered over, I decided to not wait for you anymore.
Because it seemed like it didn't make one difference.
and it didn't.
Sure, you sent "Are you okay?" text the first day Idecided attempted to move on.
You were in the back room with coach and I slipped out as soon as the bell rang.
I remember I walked so quickly, as if I were running away. As if I was trying to avoid turning back around and walking you to your locker.
I was so upset. I had a huge lump in my throat and my eyes were flooding. I went to the tennis court and put on music so loud it was white noise and I couldn't think and I read a book at the same time just to make you go away inside.
It could only last so long.
I go through these phases with you.. I always have.
But recently, this phase has been permanent.
I used to wait for you after class ends. I would wait thirty minutes if you needed. I missed two buses for you.
& I didn't mind one bit.
But ever since this fog of depression and rejection hovered over, I decided to not wait for you anymore.
Because it seemed like it didn't make one difference.
and it didn't.
Sure, you sent "Are you okay?" text the first day I
You were in the back room with coach and I slipped out as soon as the bell rang.
I remember I walked so quickly, as if I were running away. As if I was trying to avoid turning back around and walking you to your locker.
I was so upset. I had a huge lump in my throat and my eyes were flooding. I went to the tennis court and put on music so loud it was white noise and I couldn't think and I read a book at the same time just to make you go away inside.
It could only last so long.
(14)
Friday, September 13, 2013 9:32 PM
I need to let you know the story of the deepest gift I ever gave you.
I was on my way home from Arizona, and I was listening to my iPod.
I would listen to some song and think of you. So I created a playlist, of all the songs that made me think of you. It was over 50 songs.
I came up with an idea to make you a mix tape of a bunch of songs that you might of liked.
I texted Sofia and we both gathered a list of 75-ish songs.
Then I decided for the 'tape' to be more personal. They would be songs of my feelings for you.
So I looked up each one of the songs' lyrics and eliminated the ones that weren't right.
I then decided to not give it to you as a birthday gift. But as a gift.
I went through three drafts of the tape.
I named it "What/Not a Love Story"
because I remembered on the levee you said 'what a love story' when we were between the sun and moon. But I put 'not' because of the first intro song.
Final Result:
Story of Boy Meets Girl -
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - She & Him (Smiths cover)
Missin' you - John Waite
Patience - Guns N' Roses
Darling I Do - Landon Pigg and Lucy Schwartz
Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
Yellow - Coldplay
Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
West Coast - Coconut Records
Last Time - Paper Route
I Need Some Sleep - Eels
The Way I Feel Inside - Zombies
Unattainable - Little Joy
To the Architect -
I can not tell you how proud I was of this mix. All the songs lead perfectly to another. I woke up one day, before the sun came up and I sat outside and watched the sunrise with this. It was probably the coolest thing I have ever experienced. It's the perfect mix to listen to when the sun rises, sun sets, and midnight.
I originally wanted to add a lyric booklet, with the most meaningful lyrics bolded.. but I decided against it.
When you get a mix tape, it's not just a tape. It took a great deal of time and deep thoughts. You should listen to a mix tape as if it were a letter. In this case, a sad love letter. I figured you would get the message.
I need to let you know the story of the deepest gift I ever gave you.
I was on my way home from Arizona, and I was listening to my iPod.
I would listen to some song and think of you. So I created a playlist, of all the songs that made me think of you. It was over 50 songs.
I came up with an idea to make you a mix tape of a bunch of songs that you might of liked.
I texted Sofia and we both gathered a list of 75-ish songs.
Then I decided for the 'tape' to be more personal. They would be songs of my feelings for you.
So I looked up each one of the songs' lyrics and eliminated the ones that weren't right.
I then decided to not give it to you as a birthday gift. But as a gift.
I went through three drafts of the tape.
I named it "What/Not a Love Story"
because I remembered on the levee you said 'what a love story' when we were between the sun and moon. But I put 'not' because of the first intro song.
Final Result:
Story of Boy Meets Girl -
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - She & Him (Smiths cover)
Missin' you - John Waite
Patience - Guns N' Roses
Darling I Do - Landon Pigg and Lucy Schwartz
Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
Yellow - Coldplay
Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
West Coast - Coconut Records
Last Time - Paper Route
I Need Some Sleep - Eels
The Way I Feel Inside - Zombies
Unattainable - Little Joy
To the Architect -
I can not tell you how proud I was of this mix. All the songs lead perfectly to another. I woke up one day, before the sun came up and I sat outside and watched the sunrise with this. It was probably the coolest thing I have ever experienced. It's the perfect mix to listen to when the sun rises, sun sets, and midnight.
I originally wanted to add a lyric booklet, with the most meaningful lyrics bolded.. but I decided against it.
When you get a mix tape, it's not just a tape. It took a great deal of time and deep thoughts. You should listen to a mix tape as if it were a letter. In this case, a sad love letter. I figured you would get the message.
(15)
Friday, September 13, 2013 11:20 PM
The meaning of each song on the mix tape:
1)
Story of Boy Meets Girl -
I hate to say this, but if there was a movie that represented us, it would be (500) Days of Summer. I see myself as Tom Hansen, the person who dreams of falling in love and 'the one' comes along and we go through phases.. then we get closer and more hopeful. Then the whole "are we dating or not?" Nope. You don't believe in titles and whatever. The "Just Friends" relationship. Of course our relationship isn't that cruel as it was in the movie.. because you didn't get married or whatever. Although you do want to. But anyways, from the "You Make My Dreams Come True" scene to the "You are not the only one who has a say in this! I do too. And I say we are a couple, goddamnit" rant.. it's pretty relatable. Also, they have a "spot." A bench on a hill. How funny is that.
I just found it hilariously ironic that we were discussing this movie and you said "I hate Summer Finn's character."
anyways. This song, is the intro of the movie.
"This is a story of boy meets girl,
but you should know upfront...
This is not a love story."
2)
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - She & Him
In the movie, Tom plays this song on his computer speakers to try to give Summer a message. Putting this in the CD made me chuckle. Like, "Hey, yeah.. please?"
Plus, Zooey Deschanel's voice is just perfect.
3)
Missin' you - John Waite
Remember the five hour phone call? I mentioned this song. Somewhere along the lines of "yeah, this is my theme song for you."
I would bold out the entire song, but for the most meaningful part it would be
"There's a message in the wire
And I'm sending you this signal tonight.
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight"
and the whole chorus is spot on.. "I ain't missin' you.. I can lie to myself."
4)
Patience - Guns N' Roses
"I sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now
I'll wait, dear"
and I do.
5)
Darling I Do - Landon Pigg and Lucy Schwartz
It's funny, I was going to make two versions of the mixtape; a friend version and a love confession one. This was going to be in both versions.
"I know plenty of people with eyes closed
They don't see you like I do
Darling I do, darling I do see you"
I have noticed that you are practically friends with everybody. Like Gatsby, everyone knows you, but only very little know the true you. Which is not bad at all. It just makes you a surprise. You know people don't really know you when you say a rant and they go "wait, he doesn't like things?" Tell me if I'm wrong, but I think of myself as the select few who has gotten the pleasure of getting to know the true you. I see you.
This is a bit silly to add, but if I could duet any song with you, this would be the one.
6)
Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
This is the song from the movie Once. I'm so glad I got to show it to you. I found this movie's soundtrack in my dad's dusty CD pile and thought it was cool looking and listened to it and fell in love. Then I saw that he had the movie too and immediately wished you were there to see it with me. I decided to put this on there because this song bonded them closer and it was both of our favorite song from the movie.
You should try to do a cover of this song! Haha.
7)
Yellow - Coldplay
8)
Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay
This is my sad song on here. The whole "you belong to me, not swallowed in the sea."
"You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me "
9)
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
"But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do"
10)
West Coast - Coconut Records
One day I remember it was a common planning day and it was one of my first daring attempts to be with you outside of school. I remember it was raining and I really believed you weren't going to come to Velvet Grill with me because we were walking and I didn't think you'd want to. I remember turning around and seeing you walk up with your bike. You were wearing a black coat and I don't know, I fell pretty hard then (again.) & I would think of this song whenever I was out of state. Another "miss you" song.
"I'm going back home to the west coast
wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standing all alone in a black coat
I miss you"
11)
Last Time - Paper Route
"Every time I try to sleep
You flood my memory
Through I live like an absentee
All I care is that you reach for me"
"I don't know why I go in circles"
12)
I Need Some Sleep - Eels
I was going through an Eels phase when I made this. I gave Sofia my top five favorite songs from them and said 'I need at least ONE Eels song on here. Which one won't kill the mood?'
"I need some sleep
It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss
Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go"
A lot of nights I seriously cannot sleep because of this stuff. You have no idea. Tonight including.
13)
The Way I Feel Inside - Zombies
"Should I try to hide
the way I feel inside
my heart
for you
would you say that you
would try to love me too
in your mind
could you ever be
really close to me
I can tell the way you smile
if I feel that I
could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight
but till I can see
that you'd really care for me
I will dream
that someday you'll be
really close to me
I can tell the way you smile
if i feel that I
can be certain then
I could say the things I want to say tonight
but till I can see
that you'd really care for me
I'll keep trying to hid the way I feel inside."
The whole song fit perfectly.
14)
Unattainable - Little Joy
"Oh, if you find yourself
amongst the lonely ones
I'll be waiting here with open arms"
I thought this short-n-sweet song would be a good follow-up to the short Zombies song before. So both of them add up to the time amount of one whole song.
15)
To the Architect -
Ah yes, the beautiful finale song of (500) Days of Summer. In the first draft, this was the finale song and the first song was not "Story of Boy Meets Girl" that song was actually a last-minute song. I wasn't going to add it because itseemed very bold. It is very bold. I thought, oh what the heck, I'm practically proposing to the guy with these another songs, this would just prepare him for this rollercoaster.
What a ride.
The meaning of each song on the mix tape:
1)
Story of Boy Meets Girl -
I hate to say this, but if there was a movie that represented us, it would be (500) Days of Summer. I see myself as Tom Hansen, the person who dreams of falling in love and 'the one' comes along and we go through phases.. then we get closer and more hopeful. Then the whole "are we dating or not?" Nope. You don't believe in titles and whatever. The "Just Friends" relationship. Of course our relationship isn't that cruel as it was in the movie.. because you didn't get married or whatever. Although you do want to. But anyways, from the "You Make My Dreams Come True" scene to the "You are not the only one who has a say in this! I do too. And I say we are a couple, goddamnit" rant.. it's pretty relatable. Also, they have a "spot." A bench on a hill. How funny is that.
I just found it hilariously ironic that we were discussing this movie and you said "I hate Summer Finn's character."
anyways. This song, is the intro of the movie.
"This is a story of boy meets girl,
but you should know upfront...
This is not a love story."
2)
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - She & Him
In the movie, Tom plays this song on his computer speakers to try to give Summer a message. Putting this in the CD made me chuckle. Like, "Hey, yeah.. please?"
Plus, Zooey Deschanel's voice is just perfect.
3)
Missin' you - John Waite
Remember the five hour phone call? I mentioned this song. Somewhere along the lines of "yeah, this is my theme song for you."
I would bold out the entire song, but for the most meaningful part it would be
"There's a message in the wire
And I'm sending you this signal tonight.
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight"
and the whole chorus is spot on.. "I ain't missin' you.. I can lie to myself."
4)
Patience - Guns N' Roses
"I sit here on the stairs
'Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now
I'll wait, dear"
and I do.
5)
Darling I Do - Landon Pigg and Lucy Schwartz
It's funny, I was going to make two versions of the mixtape; a friend version and a love confession one. This was going to be in both versions.
"I know plenty of people with eyes closed
They don't see you like I do
Darling I do, darling I do see you"
I have noticed that you are practically friends with everybody. Like Gatsby, everyone knows you, but only very little know the true you. Which is not bad at all. It just makes you a surprise. You know people don't really know you when you say a rant and they go "wait, he doesn't like things?" Tell me if I'm wrong, but I think of myself as the select few who has gotten the pleasure of getting to know the true you. I see you.
This is a bit silly to add, but if I could duet any song with you, this would be the one.
6)
Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
This is the song from the movie Once. I'm so glad I got to show it to you. I found this movie's soundtrack in my dad's dusty CD pile and thought it was cool looking and listened to it and fell in love. Then I saw that he had the movie too and immediately wished you were there to see it with me. I decided to put this on there because this song bonded them closer and it was both of our favorite song from the movie.
You should try to do a cover of this song! Haha.
7)
Yellow - Coldplay
Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay
This is my sad song on here. The whole "you belong to me, not swallowed in the sea."
"You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me "
9)
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
"But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do"
10)
West Coast - Coconut Records
One day I remember it was a common planning day and it was one of my first daring attempts to be with you outside of school. I remember it was raining and I really believed you weren't going to come to Velvet Grill with me because we were walking and I didn't think you'd want to. I remember turning around and seeing you walk up with your bike. You were wearing a black coat and I don't know, I fell pretty hard then (again.) & I would think of this song whenever I was out of state. Another "miss you" song.
"I'm going back home to the west coast
wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standing all alone in a black coat
I miss you"
11)
Last Time - Paper Route
"Every time I try to sleep
You flood my memory
Through I live like an absentee
All I care is that you reach for me"
"I don't know why I go in circles"
12)
I Need Some Sleep - Eels
I was going through an Eels phase when I made this. I gave Sofia my top five favorite songs from them and said 'I need at least ONE Eels song on here. Which one won't kill the mood?'
"I need some sleep
It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss
Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go"
A lot of nights I seriously cannot sleep because of this stuff. You have no idea. Tonight including.
13)
The Way I Feel Inside - Zombies
"Should I try to hide
the way I feel inside
my heart
for you
would you say that you
would try to love me too
in your mind
could you ever be
really close to me
I can tell the way you smile
if I feel that I
could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight
but till I can see
that you'd really care for me
I will dream
that someday you'll be
really close to me
I can tell the way you smile
if i feel that I
can be certain then
I could say the things I want to say tonight
but till I can see
that you'd really care for me
I'll keep trying to hid the way I feel inside."
The whole song fit perfectly.
14)
Unattainable - Little Joy
"Oh, if you find yourself
amongst the lonely ones
I'll be waiting here with open arms"
I thought this short-n-sweet song would be a good follow-up to the short Zombies song before. So both of them add up to the time amount of one whole song.
15)
To the Architect -
Ah yes, the beautiful finale song of (500) Days of Summer. In the first draft, this was the finale song and the first song was not "Story of Boy Meets Girl" that song was actually a last-minute song. I wasn't going to add it because it
What a ride.
(16)
Sunday, September 15, 2013 11:20 PM
I looked in the mirror tonight and saw my hands and my first thought was "my hands are fat."
I looked in the mirror tonight and saw my hands and my first thought was "my hands are fat."
I have never thought an ugly thought about me in months.
But lately since we, no I faded.. Negative thoughts began to cloud my head.
Like a black cloud following me around the past three weeks.
I remember Friday it was pretty bad. Apparently I looked like I was going to cry. Random people came up to me asking if I was okay. Jessie from Journalism actually hugged me and told me "what ever it is, it's going to be okay."
I did feel like crying.. But I held it in and blasted the music again and it went away.
Thursday when I shot volleyball it was worse. I don't know what was wrong with me. I went home and just broke down and my mom was horrified. I refused to eat and she sat where I was for a long time.. Hoping to get an explanation.
I don't know what's going on with me.
I don't want you to read these and just keep hanging out with me just because you feel bad for me.
I hate hanging out with you now because I'm so depressed and you are always so happy and I come around and just bring you down.
I don't want to be in your way anymore.
You just made me so happy this past year I never encountered an ugly thought because you always made me feel beautiful and happy.
But now, since I have been pulling away, the happiness that you gave me has been drawing away too.
But please, please, do not read this and feel bad for me.
I'm just venting here and the last thing I want is for you to be sad because of me.
You do not need a depressed girl in your life and I'll be fine.
I'll try to get better.
I will try.
(17)
Sunday, September 22, 2013 1:13 AM
Late night venting
I just want this to stop.
Late night venting
It's one in the morning and I can't sleep.
All day I have been wanting to text you
Just to tell you I miss you.
I sent a goodnight text and you reply that you hope I'm well and that we'll talk soon.
We have faded so far and it's all my fault.
I failed at being your friend. Because I tried to settle for what I have with you now but couldn't.
You are the perfect guy. Every single thing I dream of.
And just to be your friend isn't enough for me, apparently.
Because I will always have that spot inside of me that wishes that you'll open your eyes one day and see that i want to be with you.
To just call you mine..
Or
To just hold your hand would be a dream come true.
But it's a pathetic dream, right?
Because you will always see me as only a friend.
It would be so worthless to sit around and just wish for this all to come true.
And on Valentine's eve, when you told me deserved better? That I'll find a better guy?
I have never hated you so much right then. You have no idea.
No idea of how much I feel about you.
I tried to at least think of other guys but all I see is you.
I fear that you will follow me wherever I go.
I was so looking forward to college because I would get away from you and maybe find someone else but I found out you were going to the same college as me?
That just brings another two years with you.
And you'll still be charming good looking guy in college.
I can bet you anything that a girl will come around.
I'm suffering enough now, but I cannot even imagine the heart break I'll get when I see you with her.
I just want this to stop.
I'm so sorry I failed at being a friend.
I just can't fill this empty hole inside me with you being around everywhere I go.
(18)
Saturday, October 12, 2013 6:21 PM
Is it sad to say that whenever I think of the future I somehow I see you in it?
Like how I am going to Delta, kind of glad to escape because I was so positive that you were going to a Christian college... but you end up going anyway. Half glad, half devastated.
Or how I am planning to go to Arizona after getting my associates and I keep hoping you'll still be here. We could go to Arizona together because you would love that weather.
It's just a tiny string of hope that's in the yarn of you.
We could travel the world just because. We would do a full American road trip, then raise money to venture out of the US. Because we would still be young, adventurous, and happy. If this ever happened, I believe we would always be like that.
I wouldn't be so moody anymore because there wouldn't be a drop of sadness anymore, you would just be happiness around me.
You have no idea..
Is it sad to say that whenever I think of the future I somehow I see you in it?
Like how I am going to Delta, kind of glad to escape because I was so positive that you were going to a Christian college... but you end up going anyway. Half glad, half devastated.
Or how I am planning to go to Arizona after getting my associates and I keep hoping you'll still be here. We could go to Arizona together because you would love that weather.
It's just a tiny string of hope that's in the yarn of you.
We could travel the world just because. We would do a full American road trip, then raise money to venture out of the US. Because we would still be young, adventurous, and happy. If this ever happened, I believe we would always be like that.
I wouldn't be so moody anymore because there wouldn't be a drop of sadness anymore, you would just be happiness around me.
You have no idea..
(19)
Saturday, October 12, 2013 10:41 PM
Well, you came back from Mexico and you were getting Montezuma's Revenge. (That's what they call it.. or Traveler's Belly.)
When you were telling me that you were getting sick I was literally about to grab the car and drive up there and just be there to help you get better. But my mom kind of sensed it and told me I would get really ill if I did.
See, If I were your girlfriend, I kind of have permission to do these things. Like how your brother's girlfriend went over and helped him when he had that sickness. I would just lay with you, rub your back, make you soup and just help you.
And you know what's crazy? I have a huge phobia of vomit. I have no idea why, it's just how I am. But I would positively be there holding a bucket or just rubbing your back when it happens. It's crazy, but I 100% would. I would get dizzy and possibly faint but I would go through that for you. You bet I would.
You think I'm just being dramatic, nope. I mean every single word in this depressing blog.
Well, you came back from Mexico and you were getting Montezuma's Revenge. (That's what they call it.. or Traveler's Belly.)
When you were telling me that you were getting sick I was literally about to grab the car and drive up there and just be there to help you get better. But my mom kind of sensed it and told me I would get really ill if I did.
See, If I were your girlfriend, I kind of have permission to do these things. Like how your brother's girlfriend went over and helped him when he had that sickness. I would just lay with you, rub your back, make you soup and just help you.
And you know what's crazy? I have a huge phobia of vomit. I have no idea why, it's just how I am. But I would positively be there holding a bucket or just rubbing your back when it happens. It's crazy, but I 100% would. I would get dizzy and possibly faint but I would go through that for you. You bet I would.
You think I'm just being dramatic, nope. I mean every single word in this depressing blog.
(20)
Saturday, October 12, 2013 10:51 PM
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Lead me, save me from my solitude
Say you want me with you here beside you
Anywhere you go let me go too
That's all I ask of you..
All I Ask of You - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Lead me, save me from my solitude
Say you want me with you here beside you
Anywhere you go let me go too
That's all I ask of you..
All I Ask of You - Andrew Lloyd Webber
(21)
Sunday, November 10, 2013 11:02 PM
I'm not talking to him any longer. I'm tired. I'm tired of giving him everything and not getting anything in return. I'm tired and I want him to go away and leave me alone. All of this hurts and I'm sick of him. I'm sick of going somewhere and seeing him wherever I go. I'm tired of trying to move on and people still ask me if we are dating.. if it's going to happen. I'm so tired. So tired. So done.
(22)
Monday, November 11, 2013 6:31 PM
I want to do nothing with you, but you are the only guy who has ever put up with me and I don't want you to go.
I want to do nothing with you, but you are the only guy who has ever put up with me and I don't want you to go.
I'm such a mess, and you are the only person who is both the reason and the only cure.
I don't know what to do..
To live with or without you seems equally/internally crazy.
I don't know anymore.
(23)
Saturday, November 16, 2013 2:58 PM
So, the party happened. I dressed up a little extra because I knew you were going to be there. I felt pretty for the first in a long time. Then you walked in, I stood as a rock as it seemed like my heart just dropped. You looked so handsome. You never saw me standing there.
So, the party happened. I dressed up a little extra because I knew you were going to be there. I felt pretty for the first in a long time. Then you walked in, I stood as a rock as it seemed like my heart just dropped. You looked so handsome. You never saw me standing there.
My friend Ness slightly nudged me and said, "Miranda, stop it."
You would think I would've swooned, which I did. But now whenever I think of you my head insults and scolds me. So I disguise love as hate. Apparently that was transparent.
I feel better as the party goes on, and thirty minutes passed before you acknowledge me. You came up to the table, said hello. I automatically became an extreme dork. Saying my mask was too small and said "see?" I smiled and the mask moved up. Sofia and Chio sensed the humility and said that we should go to the photo booth. So we did.
Then later on I heard loud music from the garage.. And all the teens went in there. My friends dragged me in there and I felt self conscious and awkward as usual. I loosened up, I actually danced in front of people. Something I haven't done since freshman year.
My stomach plummeted when I saw you slow dance with someone.. My friends must've knew and was trying to lighten me up by goofily slow dancing with me. I left after a song and went outside for a breath.
I saw Matt huddled with his friends, animatedly talking in hushed tones. I come in all jolly saying "what's up? What are all of you talking about?" Matt excitedly replied that you were flirting with him. Like holding his hand a bit too long, asking him to dance. I played it off, laughing a bit.. Then I told them I had to go. I went straight to Sofia and told her. "I knew about that." "Why wouldn't you tell me?!" she shrugged and saw me frantically trying to stay cool. I ran to Izzy's room and just sat there, just trying to figure out what the heck just happened. Sofia came in and gave me that I'm sorry look and I lost it. I started crying, saying I'm stupid for even hoping that I'm angry at you for not even telling me this and all. Then of course Matt, Deyra, and Andrea came in. All giggling about you. "He's looking for you, Matt!" "Go dance with him!" Of course that helped, right? I felt like throwing up so I went out front with Sofia to get away from the world. She helped me feel better. Chio and Izzy were later texting me, telling me you were like that to everyone, that Matt is just being Matt. Which he was.
(24)
Saturday, November 16, 2013 4:59 PM
So I woke up the next morning, like a burnt out candle. I woke up, I wasn't mad at you for the party anymore. I was mad at you and mostly myself. Why did I possibly even believe I had a chance? I was so so done with clinging on to you. I'm just so tired of waitin around for something that's obviously not going to happen.
So I woke up the next morning, like a burnt out candle. I woke up, I wasn't mad at you for the party anymore. I was mad at you and mostly myself. Why did I possibly even believe I had a chance? I was so so done with clinging on to you. I'm just so tired of waitin around for something that's obviously not going to happen.
So my genius logic thought I would get over you if I cut off all connections. Maybe if I stopped looking and talking to you, you'd leave me be. Maybe I can actually move on.
So I tried that out for a week. I didn't look at you.. The only word I spoke to you was "fine."
You did leave me be.
Then Friday I couldn't take it anymore. I hated ignoring you. I practically ran away after school. I heard Sofia calling after me as I speed walked and ignored her.
Sofia texted me: "Dude, I was trying to tell you but you were powerwalking away from me, Austin came into my 6th and asked about you. He asked if you were mad at him."
I asked "Why does he care about me? I have been nothing but a pain."
So tell me, Gilley! Why have you stuck around?
Do you pity me?
Do you enjoy the attention?
Why did you want me to continue the tumblr confession letters?
Why are you still reading this blog?
Why am I still writing these posts..
Why why do I hesitate near your house, about going to knock on your door and ask for you and just say sorry?
Every single time I go through these phases of wanting to get over you, I always go back to you. Like now. As I type, I want to literally hug you and never let go because this past week without connections with you has been hell. I tried to be fine but I'm not.
At first I just wanted you, just to have you around, but now it's like need you.
Isn't that ridiculous? What a joke, needing something that is so out of reach now.
Just.. Why?
(25)
Monday, November 18, 2013 5:20 PM
I can't even believe I felt sorry for you.
I can't even believe I felt sorry for you.
I can't BELIEVE I gave myself crap.
I have done everything for you and you have done NOTHING but give me a sympathetic smile.
I'm so sorry that I care for you! I'm sorry I try to spend time with you!
I'm sorry to BURDEN you with my sensitivity.
You know what the school is saying now? Thanks to your friend that you told about Friday, he told Sharon and now the whole group knows and more. And Sharon! Sharon is all Starstruck by you as every teenager is. She's been glued by your side ever since I have been gone. So my replacement. Ashleigh (& I others) has been "ooh Sharon! Now Miranda's gone, it's your turn to get Austin!"
You know how that makes me feel? Like a piece of trash.
So now is a great opportunity for girls to get at you because the big burden is gone.
If you think I'm kidding ask Ashleigh. She was telling Chio "why is Sharon waiting around? Now is her chance!"
It's so not fair because I knew Sharon kind of liked you when we were getting close and I made sure she was okay with it. I knew she respected that because she got over you for awhile. But now apparently the opputunity arrived.
I'm just upset that Sharon, who is my friend, would actually want to be with you. That's like a rule. Friends never be with a guy that a friend has had history with. It's a rule. Ask any girl.
But whatever right? It's just A guy. We are just friends. It's just friendship. Whatever.
I'm just disappointed. Plus it wouldn't be fair cause you made it clear to me you didn't want to date until college and you settle down. If you date Sharon or anyone, it'll literally be the biggest sword you stabbed in my back.
I would've waited for you Austin. You bet millions on that. I would've waited until you went grey.
But lately you have been telling me that you aren't worth it.
I don't deserve a guy who wouldn't even jump a puddle for me when I crossed oceans.
I don't deserve that.
You never appreciated the fact I gave you every single part of me. You read this blog and think I'm just being dramatic but I'm not, Austin. I mean everything.
A week ago I would've put myself in front of a gun for you.
I would've. But I'm a stupid foolish girl. I still would. Even after all this crap and hell you have put me though.
Just ignore me! Just don't mind this sensitive girl who is hopelessly devoted to you.
If you are planning to stab my back, please do. Why not? I'm already broken. You're not gonna hurt me anymore. You can't break a heart that has been broken already.
There's nothing you can do for me anymore.
I have been broken so many times by you that I'm used to it.
So please! Continue. I'll give you the knife.
You know what's pathetic? After you kick me and shove me and stab me, I'll still say sorry. I'll still be in love with you. That's how pathetic and stupid I am. And I hate myself for that and I hate you.
So please do me the favor of making my life more miserable.
Here's the knife.
(26)
Tuesday, November 19, 2013 10:32 PM
So today was interesting.
Then I told her how I felt about you and what I'm going through.
I also told her that even if I don't mind, I would be upset because if they dated during high school because you personally told me that he didn't want to date until college. It would be a stab in the back.
So today was interesting.
My fury simmered down by the time lunch came around. I just
felt exhausted and I needed closure.
So at lunch I went up to Sharon and said, "hey can we
talk?" Then we stepped outside away from the death stares I was was
getting. Like I said, the number of friends I have have been decreasing.
Anyway.
We went outside the cafeteria and I said "I heard that
you found out about Friday and you were kind of telling people." Sharon
told me she didn't have any idea about what I was talking about. (Which put me
on guard cause if she didn't know then how does Izzy know and why did she tell
Sofia that Sharon told her?) so I just let that slide cause I don't want any
drama anymore.
Then I told her how I felt about you and what I'm going through.
I told her I knew she liked you.. And that I wanted for her
and you to be happy even if that results in me being unhappy.
She admitted she liked you but she kept putting herself
down. She was saying that she liked you since 8th grade but she liked you from
a distance. She said she have 'just started to get to you these past two years
because you are in her classes. She told me to 'not even worry about anything
happening.'
It made me kind of sad. Because if you like her and if she
likes you, I don't want me, the burden, to stop you guys. I mean, I'll be
heartbroken but that is just me. I don't want to make Sharon to block her
feeling because of me. I don't want you or her to be unhappy because of me.
I told her this.
Anyways, she asked me if I would be okay if anything even
happens and I told her I will be hurt.. But like I said, I don't want to stop
her. Then she said that if I wasn't okay with it she wouldn't attempt to go
with you. Which was sweet.
I also told her that even if I don't mind, I would be upset because if they dated during high school because you personally told me that he didn't want to date until college. It would be a stab in the back.
But yeah. All in all, I'll live. I have gotten used to it.
(27)
Wednesday, November 27, 2013 5:31 PM
I am just one button away from telling you how sorry I am for being such a fill in a blank.
I am just one button away from telling you how sorry I am for being such a fill in a blank.
In my mind I keep replaying your face when I just said hi.. You really let me go.
I let my feelings get in front of our friendship. That's why I am such a horrible friend. That's why I'm such a stupid girl for even dreaming of anything.
Half of me wants to just say sorry and continue to be friends..
Half of me knows that I can't be just friends. I should just let you go and leave forever.
You seem to be doing just fine without me..
I'll go with choice b.
Bye.
(28)
Wednesday, January 8, 2014 4:56 PM
So, you guys are dating now.
Cried during the duration of winter break.
Then I was fine,
Then school happened and I saw you guys.
I felt like stone.
Yesterday (a day after) you practically made a wedding announcement during 6th period: "I have a girlfriend. Sharon Marie-King."
That's when I lost it after school.
It's hard trying to look strong.
I try walking with my head up high during school.
I try smiling.
I do.
And it works. People believe I'm actually okay after all of the bullcrap you fed me.
That same day my purse was lost and that's when I realized my USBs were way more important to me than you. For I was more upset about that..
So that helped a little, mentally.
I'm honestly just pissed. Saying you wanted to not date until you settled down, had your own place, for you wanted to have the comfort of being together in your own home.
You could've said "no Miranda, I don't like you in that way."
Then I would've got over it by two months, tops.
But no. "I don't want to date, yet."
Why I'm most upset, is the fact that you said "I was never interested in Miranda." (But her love for me is so entertaining I kept her on my shelf.)
Whatever, Austin.
Just know that I feel like crap whenever I see you and everyone can see it.
I've been getting looks all day yesterday.
They can see it.
Because you two are the new piece of entertainment in school, I'm old news.
I wish you two the very best of the last four months of high school.
Stop feeling sorry for me. I do enough of that on my own.
(29)
Wednesday, January 8, 2014 11:34 PM
So, you guys are dating now.
Cried during the duration of winter break.
Then I was fine,
Then school happened and I saw you guys.
I felt like stone.
Yesterday (a day after) you practically made a wedding announcement during 6th period: "I have a girlfriend. Sharon Marie-King."
That's when I lost it after school.
It's hard trying to look strong.
I try walking with my head up high during school.
I try smiling.
I do.
And it works. People believe I'm actually okay after all of the bullcrap you fed me.
That same day my purse was lost and that's when I realized my USBs were way more important to me than you. For I was more upset about that..
So that helped a little, mentally.
I'm honestly just pissed. Saying you wanted to not date until you settled down, had your own place, for you wanted to have the comfort of being together in your own home.
You could've said "no Miranda, I don't like you in that way."
Then I would've got over it by two months, tops.
But no. "I don't want to date, yet."
Why I'm most upset, is the fact that you said "I was never interested in Miranda." (But her love for me is so entertaining I kept her on my shelf.)
Whatever, Austin.
Just know that I feel like crap whenever I see you and everyone can see it.
I've been getting looks all day yesterday.
They can see it.
Because you two are the new piece of entertainment in school, I'm old news.
I wish you two the very best of the last four months of high school.
Stop feeling sorry for me. I do enough of that on my own.
Friday, February 7, 2014
(Fin)
Four years of much memories and closeness and bull crap and wasted trust I have ever encountered with someone.. and who has claimed that he "never had an interest in me."
I would just love to say,
Much love, Miranda.
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