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Monday, February 11, 2013 11:11 PM


December 27-28, 2012 It was a normal night, we were just texting as normally. (all night.. until 3am)
Then all of the sudden:

 " Hey Mir, I've read it. You wanted to know so I'm telling you. 1,2,3. I read it all."

When I first read that, I didn't understand.. three what? Read.. oh my gosh. I started to freak out so bad. When I finally realized that, I IMMEDIATELY regretting typing one letter on to my tumblr. My eyes started to water.. I started shaking. Basically the term to this is "hyperventilating." I was so so scared.. my nightmare came true. Of course I wanted him to know but.. you know? It wasn't entirely wished for. I just completely believed that it was over. Over. Him and I. I and him. Gone. I wanted to go back in time and just erase my feelings and not ever type a word. I just fell so hard, I didn't want to lose him. I didn't care if we weren't going to date or not.. I still didn't want to lose him as a friend! So there I was, looking at that text through blurred eyes, It was one in the morning and my sister and mother were sound asleep (thank goodness.) I was just, so terrified.
So I finally texted back.

"I am so sorry. I was going to delete it all tonight.. I should've. Oh.. I really messed things up, didn't I?"

Then he said:

"You did delete it. I went on your page and it was not there anymore. I did not think you would do that! I went to my history and found it. Recited everything haha. What you typed, shared, it was incredibly adorable and sweet. Nobody has expressed themselves in that manner, that fashion. You did not ruin anything you and I have or will have! Not at all. Remember when I told you, you have earned my trust? Of course. I was making known that I will be open with you from here on out. In return, you said something similar. Except by this, you did not tell me directly. I found this in secret, which you intended I am sure, and I thank you for that."

I stared at the phone and just, didn't know what to think. 

Me: "I don't know what to think"

Him: "What do you mean?"

Me: "I don't know, I'm still in shock, but relieved."

 
Then he told me he was going to send another message via tumblr because his phone can't send large messages and said "There was so much more to say, but that cleared my mind a little."I really admire the unique individual you are. I respect you and your feelings in the highest manner I can. I want you to know this one thing, I do not plan to date soon. This is not because of you nor is this direct to you personally, absolutely not! I am not mature enough for a girlfriend, yet. I need to undertake true responsibility and discipline and much more. I think of you as such a lovely person Miranda. I would hate to have lead you on, that is not and never was my intention.. you do not deserve that treatment, nobody does.

My reply: Honestly, I don't think I am really ready for dating , either. It's just been so long since I have been in to that stuff whenever I think about it, it is kind of awkward. I don't know, I guess I confused the idea of us being friends and being together mixed up in the whole "dating" category. I understand what you were telling me. - I don't know whether I regret not deleting that letter sooner or not, but it is a huge weight off the shoulders. Thank you for being honest.

His reply: Do not regret deleting it. I read it the very day I asked for your URL. I thought the way you portrayed everything was marvelous, I wanted to keep going Haha! Don’t be afraid to share your feelings or concerns with me Miranda. I will never reject you because of them, any of them.

Me: So what do we do now? Act as if this never happened? I honestly don't know what to do now.
Him: We act as if it did happen because it DID happen. Let us not live a lie! What good will that do? We are growing in our friendship, that is inevitable.

It hurt, the whole rejection thing, but I was just SO relieved I didn't lose him. I wouldn't know what to do if I did.
But anyways, We went back to texting.

M: did you really see it the very day you asked for my url? Why didn't you say anything then?

A: I was waiting. I knew that could not be all. I also did not think you would delete it, why?

M: I didn't delete it, just the link.

A: But why?

M : I didn't know you had already seen it, but then, I just went through a stage where I didn't want you to know anymore. I thought it would change things..

 

Then we acted like nothing happened. At least I tried to. The following day, I still honestly cried because I knew the possibility of being with him was ruined. Whenever I thought of him that day and some days afterwards, my heart grew so heavy.. it was the most depressing feeling I have ever went through.