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Wednesday, February 13, 2013 5:46 PM

To answer your questions today

"why don't you like to talk about us?"
"do you still feel this way?"

After you told me that you didn't want a girlfriend, and you said that clearly, I just knew that that possibility is just done.

I don't like being reminded of that.

I'm not allowed to think of you like I did before.

&

I always felt that way. I still do when I'm typing this and hours after I close this laptop.

But I can't anymore.

Because why should I dream everyday for something that isn't going to happen

Getting so close to you was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, you were the first guy I have ever brought home and hung out with numberous times.
You were are the first guy I have ever worked so hard for.
The First that I have ever opened up to.
The First that
I ever truly fell in love with.
There.
I said it. The whole L word.


I honestly wished all of this didn't happen the day before Valentine's Day.
Tomorrow will be fun.


I'm sorry for just always unloading all of my feelings on you.



I wished I would've never showed you this site.. then we would've ended on a good note.

I regret showing you my first letters. I do. Sure, it brought us close, but that only lead for me to fall harder.
But then you would've never told me Reality. Without that, I would've kept dreaming and got more hurt later on.. If the hurt now didn't match up to that.

I should've known this was going to happen... because you told me up front you weren't ready for dating yet.
I respected that, but I was hanging on to the word yet.
I was hoping I would be the one to convince you to change your mind.
To be an exception.
So that's why I was so disappointed today.

I should just be extremely thankful you are still just my friend and nothing more,
but it's just so hard to hold back the longings. It hurts to do that, you know.


This is one of the things Sofia told me:
"...with Austin... it really seemed like he was, Almost, there. but he's just too scared.  and a little bit too occupied with what he thinks he needs rather than what you need. and i dont know if its true, but Love should be caring about someone so much you just want them to be completely happy."

I am not going to continue this blog.