Tuesday, February 12, 2013 7:06 PM
Rewind to the Day Of (the read confession letters)
It was the last day of 2nd quarter, and the beginning of our two week Winter Break. I invited him the night before if he would like to come with me and my friends to Velvet Grill after school.
- It was a total, last minute thing, (I texted him at ten or midnight.. I don't remember, hopefully it was ten!)
"Hey, I know this is last minute, but me and a bunch of friends are going to Velvet Grill, I thought of inviting you!"
"Hey, I would love to, but I don't think I am allowed to go out at this time." (11pm)
"I meant tomorrow after school, haha!"
"Oh! Then of course!"
--
After school on The Day Of, the weather decided to be funny and rained. I believed he wasn't even going to come, because who would enjoy walking in the rain for five-ten minutes? So I was there with my friends at the tennis court then they all looked behind me and I turned around and there he was. He was looking so handsome in his black coat. My breathing caught for a moment. (Again, ultra-cheesy.. but so true.) We hugged and then started walking. It was bliss.. not one moment was awkward! Even today, if there's any silence between us, it's peaceful silence. We went to Velvet Grill and there was Amanda, Andrea, Deyra, Patricia, Izzy and Sofia. Alani came as well! It was pretty, well, fun, and embarrassing. Just picture this: Izzy putting all of our forks and spoons into an apple. Totally normal if you are friends with Izzy, but well, I was slightly embarrassed of how strange my friends are. But, hey! No awkward moments! We were waiting for our food and I was looking through Sofia's iPhone and we brought up the topic of Tumblr and I just opened up my blog and showed it to him! Then Sofia nudged me. "Miranda. your posts. ...Posts. Letters!!" Then I finally understood and turned a violent shade of red and silently freaked out. Sofia pretended that she had a text so they handed it back to her three minutes later. Nothing showed on his face if he ever saw it, but I was still freaking out. But anyways.. it was all fun, then everyone left until it was just Sofia, Alani, Austin & I. Then Aus said he needed to go, he was going to see a movie with his friends. He left so quickly and without a hug, as normally. I was so sad, I seriously believed he saw my post and ran off.
The Night Of
"Hey Mir, what's your URL?"
I panicked. I was out on the road, with no computer around, hours away from home.
Then I texted Sofia in a panic: "He asked for my URL! What do I do?"
Then she told me to just delete the posts.. and I gave myself a slap in the face duh, why didn't I think of that? So then I grabbed my mother's iPhone and deleted all of the posts, not the tab on the top. Meaning, I had individual text posts for each letter, but later put them all on one page. I deleted the individual posts, then. Then I gave him the address, hoping he won't see my page.
-
"I read them all. 1,2,3.. all of them."
"..I read them the very day I asked for your URL."
This made me a little upset. The very day he read them. He never told me that he read them for a whole week and a half. So all of those "what if he read it" paranormal thoughts of mine were true. I thought of it as him using that as an advantage. (Which he totally did. He admitted that to me.) It was unfair, but I somewhat got over it.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
(9)
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 7:52 PM
January 11, 2012 This was the Third time we hung out outside of school.
I was trying to move on with the fact that the idea of handsome guy and I being together-together so I just played it cool and accepted the side role of the friend in this play of Us.
Sofia wanted to hang out and go to ComedySportz that Friday and said, "Hey you should invite Austin!" I thought she was being ridiculous. Then I remembered I am completely friendzoned and nothing can happen so I was like okaywhattheheck..why not? So then I took a deep breath and invited you. You accepted! So then you met us at the Comedy Sportz and it was so funny! I'm glad you enjoyed it also. After that, I just realized that we could just be friends.
my quote was "If I can't be Her, I want be the greatest friend you ever had."
January 11, 2012 This was the Third time we hung out outside of school.
I was trying to move on with the fact that the idea of handsome guy and I being together-together so I just played it cool and accepted the side role of the friend in this play of Us.
Sofia wanted to hang out and go to ComedySportz that Friday and said, "Hey you should invite Austin!" I thought she was being ridiculous. Then I remembered I am completely friendzoned and nothing can happen so I was like okaywhattheheck..why not? So then I took a deep breath and invited you. You accepted! So then you met us at the Comedy Sportz and it was so funny! I'm glad you enjoyed it also. After that, I just realized that we could just be friends.
my quote was "If I can't be Her, I want be the greatest friend you ever had."
(10)
Tuesday, February 12, 2013 9:48 PM
January 8 2013 This was the second time we hung out afterschool.
I watched Les Misérables with Sofia and everyone the previous week and loved it so much, I had to see it again! So my mom planned for us to watch it and she said, "Hey, you should invite your boyfriend, Austin!"
And the everyday assumption got my everyday reply, "He's not my boyfriend."
But I thought, hey, he might like it! I should invite him!
So I did, but there was a problem: The movie starts at 2:30.
Two problems:
1)
We get out at 2:10 & don't actually end up at the tennis court until 2:15-20.
2)
My mom is late for everything.. so we would be late no matter what.
So we take off and my mother has a huge bag full of snacks.. including a chicken bake. "I know my babygirl gets hungry after school!" I was so embarrased.. my mother would be this way of course.
We arrived ten minutes late, I rushed so I accidently bought one more ticket than needed.
We arrived three songs into the movie.
The whole time I was half paying attention to the movie, and half freaking out that we were touching elbows.
When the movie ended, you watched my happy face watching the credits and I looked back at you and asked if you liked it and you said it was good!
So my mom drops you off and gave you a tour of Lodi.
Later on, we agreed that we need a Movie Day.
That movie day became Movie Days.
I watched Les Misérables with Sofia and everyone the previous week and loved it so much, I had to see it again! So my mom planned for us to watch it and she said, "Hey, you should invite your boyfriend, Austin!"
And the everyday assumption got my everyday reply, "He's not my boyfriend."
But I thought, hey, he might like it! I should invite him!
So I did, but there was a problem: The movie starts at 2:30.
Two problems:
1)
We get out at 2:10 & don't actually end up at the tennis court until 2:15-20.
2)
My mom is late for everything.. so we would be late no matter what.
So we take off and my mother has a huge bag full of snacks.. including a chicken bake. "I know my babygirl gets hungry after school!" I was so embarrased.. my mother would be this way of course.
We arrived ten minutes late, I rushed so I accidently bought one more ticket than needed.
We arrived three songs into the movie.
The whole time I was half paying attention to the movie, and half freaking out that we were touching elbows.
When the movie ended, you watched my happy face watching the credits and I looked back at you and asked if you liked it and you said it was good!
So my mom drops you off and gave you a tour of Lodi.
Later on, we agreed that we need a Movie Day.
That movie day became Movie Days.
(11)
Wednesday, February 13, 2013 5:46 PM
To answer your questions today
"why don't you like to talk about us?"
"do you still feel this way?"
After you told me that you didn't want a girlfriend, and you said that clearly, I just knew that that possibility is just done.
I don't like being reminded of that.
I'm not allowed to think of you like I did before.
&
I always felt that way. I still do when I'm typing this and hours after I close this laptop.
But I can't anymore.
Because why should I dream everyday for something that isn't going to happen
Getting so close to you was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, you were the first guy I have ever brought home and hung out with numberous times.
You were are the first guy I have ever worked so hard for.
The First that I have ever opened up to.
The First that
I ever truly fell in love with.
There.
I said it. The whole L word.
I honestly wished all of this didn't happen the day before Valentine's Day.
Tomorrow will be fun.
I'm sorry for just always unloading all of my feelings on you.
I wished I would've never showed you this site.. then we would've ended on a good note.
I regret showing you my first letters. I do. Sure, it brought us close, but that only lead for me to fall harder.
But then you would've never told me Reality. Without that, I would've kept dreaming and got more hurt later on.. If the hurt now didn't match up to that.
I should've known this was going to happen... because you told me up front you weren't ready for dating yet.
I respected that, but I was hanging on to the word yet.
I was hoping I would be the one to convince you to change your mind.
To be an exception.
So that's why I was so disappointed today.
I should just be extremely thankful you are still just my friend and nothing more,
but it's just so hard to hold back the longings. It hurts to do that, you know.
This is one of the things Sofia told me:
"...with Austin... it really seemed like he was, Almost, there. but he's just too scared. and a little bit too occupied with what he thinks he needs rather than what you need. and i dont know if its true, but Love should be caring about someone so much you just want them to be completely happy."
I am not going to continue this blog.
To answer your questions today
"why don't you like to talk about us?"
"do you still feel this way?"
After you told me that you didn't want a girlfriend, and you said that clearly, I just knew that that possibility is just done.
I don't like being reminded of that.
I'm not allowed to think of you like I did before.
&
I always felt that way. I still do when I'm typing this and hours after I close this laptop.
But I can't anymore.
Because why should I dream everyday for something that isn't going to happen
Getting so close to you was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, you were the first guy I have ever brought home and hung out with numberous times.
You
The First that I have ever opened up to.
The First that
I ever truly fell in love with.
There.
I said it. The whole L word.
I honestly wished all of this didn't happen the day before Valentine's Day.
Tomorrow will be fun.
I'm sorry for just always unloading all of my feelings on you.
I wished I would've never showed you this site.. then we would've ended on a good note.
I regret showing you my first letters. I do. Sure, it brought us close, but that only lead for me to fall harder.
But then you would've never told me Reality. Without that, I would've kept dreaming and got more hurt later on.. If the hurt now didn't match up to that.
I should've known this was going to happen... because you told me up front you weren't ready for dating yet.
I respected that, but I was hanging on to the word yet.
I was hoping I would be the one to convince you to change your mind.
To be an exception.
So that's why I was so disappointed today.
I should just be extremely thankful you are still just my friend and nothing more,
but it's just so hard to hold back the longings. It hurts to do that, you know.
This is one of the things Sofia told me:
"...with Austin... it really seemed like he was, Almost, there. but he's just too scared. and a little bit too occupied with what he thinks he needs rather than what you need. and i dont know if its true, but Love should be caring about someone so much you just want them to be completely happy."
I am not going to continue this blog.
(12)
Friday, September 13, 2013 8:46 PM
"Just yesterday I got the reality slap that this thing is such a waste of time.. God, I would wait years for him and get nothing in return. I just give up so hard. I don't know.. Must be the books and movies I have been surrounding myself with. They just made me realize how pathetic I must be, to wish for something with him."
"It may seem that way for you, but I don't think you're choosing to wait for him. You just do, regardless of if you want to or not. Think about it. You've 'decided' to move on tons of times, with varying levels of commitment. You always come back."
"I just want it to stop."
"Just yesterday I got the reality slap that this thing is such a waste of time.. God, I would wait years for him and get nothing in return. I just give up so hard. I don't know.. Must be the books and movies I have been surrounding myself with. They just made me realize how pathetic I must be, to wish for something with him."
"It may seem that way for you, but I don't think you're choosing to wait for him. You just do, regardless of if you want to or not. Think about it. You've 'decided' to move on tons of times, with varying levels of commitment. You always come back."
"I just want it to stop."
(13)
Friday, September 13, 2013 9:06 PM
I go through these phases with you.. I always have.
But recently, this phase has been permanent.
I used to wait for you after class ends. I would wait thirty minutes if you needed. I missed two buses for you.
& I didn't mind one bit.
But ever since this fog of depression and rejection hovered over, I decided to not wait for you anymore.
Because it seemed like it didn't make one difference.
and it didn't.
Sure, you sent "Are you okay?" text the first day Idecided attempted to move on.
You were in the back room with coach and I slipped out as soon as the bell rang.
I remember I walked so quickly, as if I were running away. As if I was trying to avoid turning back around and walking you to your locker.
I was so upset. I had a huge lump in my throat and my eyes were flooding. I went to the tennis court and put on music so loud it was white noise and I couldn't think and I read a book at the same time just to make you go away inside.
It could only last so long.
I go through these phases with you.. I always have.
But recently, this phase has been permanent.
I used to wait for you after class ends. I would wait thirty minutes if you needed. I missed two buses for you.
& I didn't mind one bit.
But ever since this fog of depression and rejection hovered over, I decided to not wait for you anymore.
Because it seemed like it didn't make one difference.
and it didn't.
Sure, you sent "Are you okay?" text the first day I
You were in the back room with coach and I slipped out as soon as the bell rang.
I remember I walked so quickly, as if I were running away. As if I was trying to avoid turning back around and walking you to your locker.
I was so upset. I had a huge lump in my throat and my eyes were flooding. I went to the tennis court and put on music so loud it was white noise and I couldn't think and I read a book at the same time just to make you go away inside.
It could only last so long.
(14)
Friday, September 13, 2013 9:32 PM
I need to let you know the story of the deepest gift I ever gave you.
I was on my way home from Arizona, and I was listening to my iPod.
I would listen to some song and think of you. So I created a playlist, of all the songs that made me think of you. It was over 50 songs.
I came up with an idea to make you a mix tape of a bunch of songs that you might of liked.
I texted Sofia and we both gathered a list of 75-ish songs.
Then I decided for the 'tape' to be more personal. They would be songs of my feelings for you.
So I looked up each one of the songs' lyrics and eliminated the ones that weren't right.
I then decided to not give it to you as a birthday gift. But as a gift.
I went through three drafts of the tape.
I named it "What/Not a Love Story"
because I remembered on the levee you said 'what a love story' when we were between the sun and moon. But I put 'not' because of the first intro song.
Final Result:
Story of Boy Meets Girl -
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - She & Him (Smiths cover)
Missin' you - John Waite
Patience - Guns N' Roses
Darling I Do - Landon Pigg and Lucy Schwartz
Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
Yellow - Coldplay
Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
West Coast - Coconut Records
Last Time - Paper Route
I Need Some Sleep - Eels
The Way I Feel Inside - Zombies
Unattainable - Little Joy
To the Architect -
I can not tell you how proud I was of this mix. All the songs lead perfectly to another. I woke up one day, before the sun came up and I sat outside and watched the sunrise with this. It was probably the coolest thing I have ever experienced. It's the perfect mix to listen to when the sun rises, sun sets, and midnight.
I originally wanted to add a lyric booklet, with the most meaningful lyrics bolded.. but I decided against it.
When you get a mix tape, it's not just a tape. It took a great deal of time and deep thoughts. You should listen to a mix tape as if it were a letter. In this case, a sad love letter. I figured you would get the message.
I need to let you know the story of the deepest gift I ever gave you.
I was on my way home from Arizona, and I was listening to my iPod.
I would listen to some song and think of you. So I created a playlist, of all the songs that made me think of you. It was over 50 songs.
I came up with an idea to make you a mix tape of a bunch of songs that you might of liked.
I texted Sofia and we both gathered a list of 75-ish songs.
Then I decided for the 'tape' to be more personal. They would be songs of my feelings for you.
So I looked up each one of the songs' lyrics and eliminated the ones that weren't right.
I then decided to not give it to you as a birthday gift. But as a gift.
I went through three drafts of the tape.
I named it "What/Not a Love Story"
because I remembered on the levee you said 'what a love story' when we were between the sun and moon. But I put 'not' because of the first intro song.
Final Result:
Story of Boy Meets Girl -
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - She & Him (Smiths cover)
Missin' you - John Waite
Patience - Guns N' Roses
Darling I Do - Landon Pigg and Lucy Schwartz
Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
Yellow - Coldplay
Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay
No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
West Coast - Coconut Records
Last Time - Paper Route
I Need Some Sleep - Eels
The Way I Feel Inside - Zombies
Unattainable - Little Joy
To the Architect -
I can not tell you how proud I was of this mix. All the songs lead perfectly to another. I woke up one day, before the sun came up and I sat outside and watched the sunrise with this. It was probably the coolest thing I have ever experienced. It's the perfect mix to listen to when the sun rises, sun sets, and midnight.
I originally wanted to add a lyric booklet, with the most meaningful lyrics bolded.. but I decided against it.
When you get a mix tape, it's not just a tape. It took a great deal of time and deep thoughts. You should listen to a mix tape as if it were a letter. In this case, a sad love letter. I figured you would get the message.
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